100 Ways to Kill Shou Tucker
by Pride the First Homunculus
Summary: Shou Tucker is the most hated character in the FMA universe. Or, quite possibly, the whole universe. Naturally, everybody wanted to kill him. What would happen if they got 100 opportunities to do so? T for violence and minor bad language.
1. 1 and 2: Kebabs and Miniskirts

Hi, guys. This is my first fanfiction (aside from a certain deleted abomination that shall not be named). I don't want to set really high expectations for myself and then fail drastically, so I've chosen something a little easier than a whole story, because last time I tried that, it sucked. Majorly. Another thing I suck at is Ed's "who're you callin' so small that..." rants, so bear with me on that. I try to weave humour into my stories, but also make them _slightly _serious, which probably makes them strange and nonsensical, but this is fun to write so why not carry on? May or may not be OOC, but hey, this is my fic.

This is my headcanon. No judge.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, because Ed is not a slave and nobody owns him. Oh, the series? If I owned it, why would I write fanfiction about it? Seriously? *facedesk* I also don't own anything else mentioned, except this wonderfully crappy list itself. N-not even a p-poptart...**

Without further ado, let us begin!

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100 Ways to Kill Shou Tucker

1) _Ed decides Tucker is responsible for the Shrimp Kebab Baschool Incident. And he still had a bone to pick about Nina. But mostly Shrimp Kebabs._

"YOU BASTARD!" the angry midget roared, charging at Tucker with full force and a red pole - now, where had every Brotherhood viewer seen that before?- clutched in his automail arm. The pole was very sharp, Tucker noted, but... too late.

"THAT'S FOR TURNING ME INTO A KEBAB!"

Tucker suddenly developed an urge to call Edward a 'shrimp kebab', but somehow he got the feeling that joke had been used way too many times for its own good.

"Well, this is...a little...painful..." he whispered hoarsely.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLIN' SO SMALL THAT SPECKS OF DUST BURY HIM?!" Edward yelled. Clearly, he had selective hearing when it came to his size. Tucker had heard he overreacted, but this was just ridiculous.

Tucker gave no response. So Ed yelled a bit more (cussing him out for killing Nina and Alexander, insulting Tucker's glasses for no reason, all that good stuff). When no reply came even then, he resigned to kicking Tucker's body. Finally, he accepted Tucker was dead.

"I'd say I killed my first person, but Tucker isn't really a person. He chose job over family, which is unforgivable. Everyone's glad he's dead, I suppose, but either way we have the unicorns!" Edward turned to the unicorns. "UNICORNS, I COMMAND THEE! BRING SHOU TUCKER BACK TO LIFE WHILE I PREPARE MORE TORTURE!"

"Yes, sir!" The unicorns waved their horns and sparkled in a way that was probably supposed to look magical. Of course, Ed wouldn't know. He was an alchemist. Wait, no he wasn't. But he still didn't watch stupid pony shows with unicorns, pegasi and ponies or anything like that, obviously...

"Nyans, get me some poptarts!" he ordered, "On the double!" Needless to say, the rainbow-coloured Nyan Cats had already scurried off to hide; they'd lost Fred and George to this terrifying Midget Monster yesterday. Did it have no pity for endangered species such as Nyans?

"Brother, please stop it! You're hurting the cats!" Alphonse cried, cuddling a couple of Nyans. Luckily, he was back in his real body, so cats weren't crushed by him, but now he had nowhere to hide them... When his turn to kill Tucker came (aw, did he have to?) he wouldn't have as much physical strength, although he knew he was stronger than Edward even now. Besides, he had a cat army, if all else failed.

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2) _Tucker approves of Roy's Miniskirt Scheme and somehow works his way into Mustang's office wearing, yes, a miniskirt. _

"WHAT THE?! Isn't that Shou Tucker?" Breda yelled, trying to get the Colonel's attention. But, as was typical as him, he'd chosen the perfect moment to actually become interested in his paperwork.

"Huh? Shou Tucker? Oh yes, very interesting," he murmured absent-mindedly, signing a couple of documents about world domination with a cat army, "Lieutenant Hawkeye said she'd shoot me if I didn't finish these papers by today, so leave me be, unless _you_ want shooting."

"Uh...no, sir. Fuery, Havoc, Falman, what do we do with Tucker?" Breda replied, worried that the Sewing Life Alchemist would suddenly start transmuting one of the officers into Chimeras. "I mean, it's not like anyone's going to burst in and tell us we're free to kill him because unicorns will bring him back to life or anything..."

"COLONEL BAAAAASTARD!" A male voice sounded from the other side of the door. "I HAVE NEEEEEWS! We're free to kill Tucker because the unicorns will bring him back to life! And we have poptarts!"

At that, Colonel Bastard himself looked up from his paperwork. "Fullmetal, what drugs did you discover?"

"I'm not high!" Fullmetal's voice replied indignantly.

"Too right you're not," Mustang smirked.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLIN' SO SMALL THAT-" His furious voice was cut off for a second. "I know, Al, I shouldn't get so mad, BUT I CAN'T HELP IT THAT THE COLONEL IS SUCH A USELESS BASTARD!"

"Please, kill me now..." Tucker murmured, speaking up for the first time, "A 15-year- old's drama... I can't take it..."

"With pleasure. Miniskirts don't suit you." All that was left of Shou Tucker was a pile of smoking ashes, which Falman soon ground into the carpet - it was grey for exactly this purpose.

"Is this the bit where the unicorns come?" Fuery queried. "Or was Ed actually high when he said that?"

"Fullmetal doesn't even do drunk, let alone high, and because he's the most stubborn brat to ever inhabit Amestris, he probably never will." Mustang answered. The kid was on the right track, he supposed, but how would he ever get a girlfriend?

Then came the unicorns.

"We need our orders. Where is Master Elric?" A white one with blue hair (because everyone totally cares how it looked) brayed.

"Squashed under my foot." Mustang joked. Hurt seemed to show on the unicorns' faces, if that was possible for a horse, for a fraction of a second.

"Then you must give us our orders, sir...?"

"Mustang." He was grinning like a kid on his birthday, if kids were malicious, manipulative military men with a love of fire, promotion and alliteration. "Now...uh... Unicorns, I command thee to return Shou Tucker to life, so that he may be killed again for our sadistic entertainment!"

"That works. But why do humans always assume we're old-fashioned?

After an awkward post-murder silence, Havoc asked the question that had been lingering in the air since Ed informed them they could kill Tucker.

"Where are the poptarts?"

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***Selim voice* **Thanks for bearing with me, guys! I know I'm a pretty bad writer, but I'm sure I'll get better soon!  
><strong>*Pride voice* <strong>Leave a review, or I will follow you with my shadows and force you to, before killing you. :)

***Normal, non-Selim-or-Pride-influenced voice* **I know the second one was way longer than the first; that's because I enjoyed it more and found more stuff to occur in it. I wrote this at midnight, so this is probably real suckish. There will be two per chapter, mostly, but I may add more or less as I see fit.


	2. 3 and 4: Dads and Melons

**This chapter was half prewritten, so I spent the rest of today (when I wasn't out) writing it.**

Hi guys, I'm back! Currently, I don't have that many ideas, and even if I do get some I have 100 to post, so if you have any ideas, feel free to suggest them! :) Besides, I suck.

Remember: my headcanon, my living characters.

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything except the list, don't want to, because I'm not Greed.**

100 Ways to Kill Shou Tucker

3) _Hughes and Tucker meet. Hughes, being the overprotective dad that he is, says, "Hey, want to see a photo of my daughter Elicia? She turns four tomorrow! Oh wait, you can't because you're evil and bad and I don't want my wittle Elicia in danger, stay away from her!" A fight soon breaks out, and also more betting._

**Mustang's office**

"Twenty sens Hughes goes for his arms first!" Havoc placed the first bet in Mustang's Subordinate's Betting Game.

"Fifty he wins," Breda grinned.

"Aww, come on! I don't even have fifty sens spare to bet! Falman gets out of it, so why don't I?" Fuery pointed at Falman, who was simply watching the fight rather than betting on the outcome. "Umm... Ten that Tucker actually gets a good punch in? You're gonna make me go bankrupt if I bet any more."

"Unless you win," Havoc pointed out. "If you lose, which you probably will because Hughes is a much better fighter, you buy me five packs of cigarettes instead."

"WHAT? I'm not paying for your drugs!"

"Whatever. Let's just watch the fight, seeing as we've all placed our bets," Breda interrupted, already walking over to the window.

As it stood, the fight was fairly one-sided. One of Hughes' knives pinned Tucker's right arm to a wall - forty cens to Havoc - whilst Hughes himself looked only slightly dishevelled.

"I don't have fifty sens to pay you, Breda!" Fuery whined. "Nor do I have however much it is for one pack of cigarettes, let alone five! Besides, you know the hospital told you to quit it before you catch cancer."

A loud scream echoed from the ground. "Guess that's that, then..." The black-haired Sergeant Major sighed, searching his wallet for fifty sens.

**At the scene**

"What happened here, Hughes?" Mustang strode across to where his best friend was sat on the ground, looking distinctly confused.

"Shou Tucker," he replied, taking his knife back. "I said he couldn't see a photo of Elicia and I think he wanted to, so he got mad and - hey, is that a unicorn?"

"Yes."

"Whoa. Can I take one home for Elicia?" Hughes grinned, pulling out his family photo and waving it around. "I want... the pink one!"

"I think these unicorns would rather just do what Ed told them." Mustang answered, "Right, um, what do we tell them? Bring Tucker back for more murder or I burn you to ashes, you bastards."

"Yes, Colonel Bastard!"

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PICK THAT UP?!"

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4) _Tucker, having been hospitalised for unknown reasons _***cough*murderattempts*cough***_ is visited by Fuhrer Bradley himself. When offered a melon, Tucker declines._

**At the hospital**

"Do you like melons?" The Fuhrer presented a woven basket, specially wrapped in red ribbon, containing a large watermelon. "Hope you get better soon. Now, I'd best be off, before my bodyguards find me again."

"Excuse me, Your Excellency, but I hate melons." Tucker called weakly from his hospital bed.

Bradley's eyes turned dark, and he spun around. "You don't...like melons?" he growled. This was the first time since he had become Fuhrer that anyone had declined his lovely melons. How dare this impudent human refuse?

"Um, no, sir. They make me ill." Tucker answered. He appeared to have forgotten that he was speaking to the Fuhrer, of all people. Bradley did not reply, but his expression showed it all. _How dare you! _For some reason, Tucker was beginning to doubt Bradley's sanity; maybe it was the murderous expression. Or maybe it was just the melons. Or...maybe the sword? The sharp, glistening and slightly bloodstained sword?

"Human, for your refusal to accept my glorious melons, you shall feel the wrath that has been passed down through the Homunculus family for generations! DIE!" The Fuhrer raised his sword. "Any last words?"

"No...not really..."

"Those were some terrible last words, but it is now time for you to die, so you cannot reconsider." Bradley said, before stabbing Tucker. "It seems I've made quite a mess." He shrugged, eyeing the bloodstained sheets. He was the Fuhrer, after all, and Tucker had refused his melons. He wouldn't get Court Martialled, right? Even so, he had to check.

**In a military hotel somewhere**

"Mr. Elric, you have a call from a Sir King Bradley... Hang on, isn't that the Fuhrer?"

"The Fuhrer? Did old Colonel Useless finally kick the bucket or something? Come on, Al, we can't miss this, unless we have a death wish." The two boys hurtled down the stairs two at a time, wondering why the hell Bradley himself would be calling the Elric brothers, especially since Edward was no longer a State Alchemist.

Edward grabbed the phone from the receptionist. "Hello, sir!"

"Is this the ex-Fullmetal Alchemist speaking? The little alchemist?" Ed could positively hear Bradley's smile, even through the telephone.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLIN' LI- sorry, your Excellency. Why would you be calling us, sir?"

"I heard it was legal to kill Shou Tucker until he has suffered one hundred deaths, but I did not pass this law. I was informed it was you that did?"

"Oh, no, sir. I was just the first to hear of it." He didn't feel like explaining all the ins and outs of fanfiction to a 60-year-old right now. Actually, he doubted he ever would.

"Very well. So if, for example, I killed him right now, I would not be Court Martialled for murder, correct?" _Translation: he murdered Tucker already and wants to check, _Ed thought. He glanced at Al, who looked distinctly confused (it was still strange to see his younger brother back in his body, after five years of being a suit of armour). "Yes, that is correct, sir."

"Thank you, Fullmetal." _I'm not freaking Fullmetal! _"I shall send a melon to your hotel as gratitude."

**In the hospital (again)**

"Why on Earth are fifty or so unicorns in this hospital?" Bradley drew his sword again, prepared to defend himself against these creatures.

"We're just here to revive Mr. Tucker, sir."

Yes, your Excellency, your day _can _get weirder.

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***Selim* **Thanks for sticking with me, guys! And also my three-way split personality!

***Pride* **Fools.

***Normal* **Review, or Wrath will demonstrate the wrath that has been passed down through the Homunculus family for generations again. I mean it. And no, Major Armstrong is _not_ possessing him (currently, hehe).


	3. 5 and 6: Rabid Fangirls and Pomatoes

Woo, reviews! :D Thanks for your support, everyone. In response to **Corpusclockwork**'sreview, I read so many amazing authors that mine really is awful in comparison. The ideas submitted by **Panzer4life** and **Digi-fanCapp **have all been taken into consideration and you'll probably see them sooner on :3 (although the Scar one did happen anyway, I'll probably be doing it my version) My friend and I had brilliant fun brainstorming all the things we can do to Tucker... The next four chapters will contain one each, but I'm introducing something new: themes! They'll be Xingese-themed, so characters from Xing will be making appearances. I'll try and make them extra-long, too, and post one a day (if I get them done that quickly).

On a sidenote, what's your favourite opening (03 ones count too)? Mine are Period (for the video, Pride's in it) and Again (for the lyrics). Period is by CHEMISTRY, so why not call it Periodic? Like the periodic table?

I'll shut up now.

**Disclaimer: .gnihton nwo I**

**I should also start putting spoiler warnings. If you ain't finished Brotherhood, go watch it. Pride will always be watching you from the shadows.**

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100 Ways to Kill Shou Tucker

5) _Attack of the rabid fangirls :O_

"Ed's mine!"

"No, he's mine!"

"HE'S MIIIINE!"

A large group of girls were wandering around Central. They all had blonde hair, tied back in a plait, and wore red coats. Just like a certain someone.

"EDWARD ELRIC IS MY HUSBAND, NOT ANY OF YOURS!" For the past hour, they had been arguing over who was going to marry Edward (being so caught up in themselves that they had completely forgotten Ed married Winry). In fact, they were so caught up in their fangirling that they had managed to get themselves completely lost. In Central, of all places. They had no food, having been convinced that they'd find Ed straight away and be able to drag him back to their own country, and not even any sens to buy any.

One of the cosplaying fangirls stopped for a second. "Hey, isn't that...no, never mind." She'd been about to say it was Shou Tucker's mansion, but he was dead and so was Nina, so why point it out?

"Yeah, it's a mansion! Looks abandoned, too; let's stay the night!" The one that had stopped facepalmed - had none of them ever seen a horror movie before? Probably not, because they were too obsessed with Ed. This particular fangirl had been dragged into this by her best friend - personally, she preferred Ling - and so felt like the only rational one in the group. Even so, she followed the others inside.

"What were you going to say it was? I know you weren't going to say a mansion, so don't tell me that." Her friend had stopped to wait for her.

"Well..." She scratched the back of her neck awkwardly. "I was going to say it was Shou Tucker's mansion, but that's ridiculous."

"Yeah." her friend agreed.

**Upstairs**

Tucker frowned. He was sure he could hear someone downstairs - no, how would that be possible? Nobody would be visiting him; as far as Amestris knew, he was a condemned criminal. A _dead _condemned criminal. Perhaps he was just imagining that Nina was still here.

"Ooh, let's see what the bedrooms are like! I wonder if Edward has been here before..." Huh. Maybe he wasn't imagining it; their swooning sounded _very_ real.

"What's in this room?"

Then his door swung open.

"OH MY GOD IT'S SHOU TUCKER BUT WAIT ISN'T HE DEAD OH MY GOD REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO NINA EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE KILL HIM KILL HIM!" Okay, now he was scared. Although, he supposed he should be expecting it by now...just maybe not in this exact way. What was the word now...? Oh yeah, _fangirl_. Crazy, obsessive, murderous-to-non-fangirls creatures...that were in his bedroom.

Yup, he was dead all right.

Moral of the story? _Never_ allow crazy fangirls near anything even remotely resembling transmutation circles. May or may not cause death to fictional characters. You have been warned.

"SQUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE A UNICORN!"

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6) _Pomatoes are real._

_Tomato + potato = ...Pomato?_

Jean Havoc wasn't the smartest, sure, but after all, he was from the- ah, he couldn't even use that excuse after meeting the Elric brothers. They were only teens, twice as smart as him at least, and _from the country. _Even so, he had a decent job (even if it meant losing his girlfriends) and some pretty damn awesome friends. Best life he'd ever get, he reckoned.

Hey...didn't he know that guy staring at him?

**In the real world, rather than Havoc's head. - a scary place full of pomatoes**

"Uh... do I know you?" Havoc asked the man on the bench, who had been observing him for at least five minutes by now.

"I could say the same to you. Aren't you one of Mustang's subordinates? I forget your name...hmm... Was it Chaos?"

Havoc snorted. "It's _Havoc_. You must be from the military too, if you know that... Or a stalker, I guess, and that fits with the way you've been staring, but somehow I doubt it."

"Oh no, I'm not a stalker. I used to be in the military, but I had my license taken from me a year or two ago." Wait a minute. License? No wonder...

"A State Alchemist, his license revoked a year ago... uhhhhhhhhh... OH COME ON, NOT YOU AGAIN, TUCKER!" Havoc reached inside his pocket and pulled out a... a... well it looked like a tomato and a potato crossed together, so a pomato maybe? He pulled out a pomato-thing and threw it at Tucker. "You bastard, leave us alone."

"NO STOP IT WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING IS IT A TOMATO? A POTATO?"

Perhaps the constant torture had already broken his mind, and this is only #6. The future does not look good.

Tucker fell to the ground, several purple bruises on his head.

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***Selim and I are locked up* **Pride did it while you were reading... ;-;

***Pride* **Review or they never escape, and you will be stuck with my commentary for the rest of this fanfiction! :D

***Normal*** PLEASE DO AND PLEASE SUBMIT IDEAS FOR THIS IMPRISONED AUTHOR


	4. 7: Xingese Part 1: May Chang

Welcome back, guys! This is the first of four Xingese chapters. One per day instead of two for themed ones. We'll be back to two once these are over.

I STARTED WATCHING ATTACK ON TITAN IT'S AMAZING AND I DIDN'T WANT TO START WRITING BECAUSE EEEEEEEEE I finished HSHC this morning, too. Ed = Tamaki, Kyoya = Scar and Hikaru = Ling :o but AoT is just eeeeeeeeee...I'm only on episode 4 at the time of writing this...heh...heh...heh...

**Garsario**, sounds good! I've added it to the list (which consists of 15 ideas so far). **Digi-fanCap** and **An Arm and A Leg**, same goes for your ideas, but what did you mean by lotion?

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned FMA. If I did, the Homunculi would've won...**

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100 Ways to Kill Shou Tucker: Xingese Edition Part 1

7) _May is led to believe that Tucker is an amazing, kind, 'sophisticated' alchemist. After learning the truth, she decides she's had enough of these Amestrian fakers._

"We're finally going to meet him, Xiao Mei! Shou Tucker, the Sewing Life Alchemist! Even his title sounds dreamy... I'm sick of Amestrian alchemists taking advantage of the hearts of young maidens such as myself!" May was caught in her own little world once more, dreaming of herself with a _real_ gentleman. She had asked around about amazing alchemists such as the Elric brothers, and the first two answers she'd gotten were Roy Mustang and Shou Tucker. She knew Mustang, and it was quite plain that he and his Lieutenant had feelings for each other... This was _her_ chance to finally find a boyfriend, though, and she wasn't going to ruin it with thoughts about others! "Do you think he'll show?"

A dishevelled-looking man locked eyes with her. He had brown hair and round glasses; she couldn't see his face completely from that distance. Even so, May was fairly sure she didn't know him. Mistaken identity, perhaps? Probably, she thought, as he smiled a little and started walking over to her.

"Are you May Chang? The Xingese girl?" Oh. Maybe not mistaken identity. She nodded, frowning a little. "I'm Shou Tucker. Pleasure to meet you."

"HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A WOMAN'S HEART SUCH AS MINE? THAT'S _THREE TIMES_ YOU AMESTRIANS HAVE STOLEN MY HEART, ONLY TO RIP IT OUT AND JUMP ON IT! I HATE YOUR STINKING COUNTRY AND I DON'T CARE IF I'LL NEVER BE EMPRESS, I'M _GOING BACK TO XING!_" Amestris was the worst place she'd ever been to, May decided, and immortality was nothing compared to having her heart stomped on so many times. Her emotions were reflected on Xiao Mei's face, who seemed just as distraught as her. _IT'S NOT FAIR!_

Well, she could always do it the Edward way... "Let's get that faker, Xiao Mei!"

It turns out that Amestrians are not accustomed to panda attacks...

"I think Alphonse will do, don't you? He does love cats, and he thinks you're a cat. WAIT FOR ME, SIR ALPHONSE!"

Are all Xingese girls this fickle (aside from Lanfan)? Or is it just a Chang thing? Amestris may never know.

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Whew, we're done. That maybe wasn't as long as I hoped it would be (only 500 words or so)...Please forgive me! Now I'm going to go back to AoT. *disappears*


	5. 8: Xingese Part 2: Xiao Mei

Sorry for not updating for a bit... writer's block. Back to school on Tuesday, which sucks. If worse comes to worst, I'll update every three days or so, or maybe just on Saturdays / Sundays. I don't know yet, though.

**An Arm and a Leg**, we could always find a lotion that he's severely allergic to... *runs to every shop selling lotion*

**Digi-fanCapp**, hey look, it brought friends!

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except myself, my laptop and my ideas. And a Homunculus t-shirt (well, I will soon, once I've ordered it). 3**

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100 Ways to Kill Shou Tucker: Xingese Edition Part 2

8) _Xiao Mei finally has a growth spurt and becomes a teen panda... right in the middle of May and Tucker's fight. She wants to be able to help May properly for once, and so takes revenge on Tucker._

Being tall felt strange to Xiao Mei. For one, she could look down on a lot of people, instead of sitting on May's shoulder; in fact, she didn't think she would fit on May's shoulder anymore. Suddenly May seemed so small... and so did that guy on the floor, the one with glasses. Yeah, the weird-looking one.

"WAIT FOR ME, SIR ALPHONSE!" Even now, after fighting with someone, May was rambling about 'Sir Alphonse', although Xiao Mei couldn't exactly blame her. Alphonse was the only one who hadn't toyed with her heart like that midget Edward and this guy... what was his name? Tucker? Whatever he was called, he was by far the worst, because he'd gotten others in on his plan! Just thinking about it made Xiao Mei sick. She would get revenge on him, one day...

...Wait. She was big now, wasn't she? She could do it now; he seemed to be fine, even though he hadn't been breathing a minute ago, and those weird horse things had left (Amestrian horses, maybe? She never knew what to expect in this country). And getting bigger meant bigger teeth, right? All the better to bite him with.

She glanced at May - who looked completely baffled by Xiao Mei's sudden growth spurt as much as the panda herself - as if to say, 'Do you mind?' May shook her head slightly, still staring at her. Tucker, meanwhile, was starting to get up.

"I will take revenge on you for breaking May's heart!" she squeaked. Or at least she tried to; pandas didn't have the same vocal cords as humans. Then she leapt on him, with much more force than usual (due to her new height) and started mauling his leg like a rabid dog. She felt more like an overprotective dog than a rabid one, however; _no one_ messed with May.

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Well, I wrote this pretty quickly, and I still have writer's block on top of that. ;-; Anyway, hope you enjoyed, although this is less humourous than usual. Sorry.

***Pride*** Selim is still in that cage, you know.

Can someone shut him up? But don't kill him, please.


	6. 9: Xingese Part 3: Lan Fan

Last day before school starts, unfortunately. I had to go to my mum's work - where I basically sat and played on my iPad, and I was there so long that I had time to go on Minecraft PE and build an almost-exact replica of a big house I built on PC yesterday - and there were so many snotty kids...ew. Now that I think about it, I'd rather go to school than go through _that_ again. *shivers*

I originally planned for Xiao Mei to get teen hormones, too, except 1) I couldn't be bothered and 2) come on, Xiao Mei is _not_ a grumpy panda.

Should I incorporate other fandoms *coughcough2P!Hetaliacoughcough* into this or leave it at just FMA?

**An Arm and a Leg:** It seems Major Armstrong is popular with requests, huh. Although I think 375 pounds is a _little_ too light, don't you? How about 500? :D

**Digi-fanCapp: ***Xiao Mei rides on one of their backs* It's so cuuute 3

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100 Ways to Kill Shou Tucker: Xingese Edition Part 2

9) _Tucker hears about Lin[g] becoming the new Xingese Emperor via a local newspaper. He mutters about how he doesn't look like a very suitable ruler... Lan Fan is everywhere these days, isn't she?_

"This Lin Yao person doesn't really seem all that responsible... From what I've heard, he and his bodyguards slipped into Amestris while the previous Emperor was dying, and he still managed to become Emperor. Xing will find itself in a crisis if this continues..." Tucker was in a Central cafe, flipping through a newspaper (one that had recently launched after the Promised Day, due to the friendship between Amestris and Xing established by Edward and Lin). Most of it was about the various Xingese clans, but as a new Emperor had finally arisen, he had at least a third of it devoted to him.

"The young lord is not irresponsible! My family have protected his clan for generations, and I am no exception; he came to Amestris to find the secret of immortality, and _found it_. Could you have done better than him?" A young-ish girl had suddenly appeared behind him, with all the stealth of a ninja. She had a slight accent, so if her claims were true, she must be Xingese too. However, if she was, how was it that she had an automail arm?

"I cut my own arm off," she explained, seeing him staring. "It was useless, and I was only a burden to Master Lin like that." Wow.

"So, how did he get to be Emperor? Perform Amestrian alchemy? There's no way that he found the secret of immortality, after all..." For some reason, this riled the Xingese girl up even more... wait a minute. Were those _knives_? She'd said she was a bodyguard of sorts, and this was Amestris - where wars consistently broke out - so Tucker shouldn't have been too surprised, but she looked much too young to have such lethal weapons.

Damn it... He knew that he should stop thinking so much, especially in these strange times where people kept randomly killing him (seriously, what was up with them?), but... oh, whatever, he was dead now so he couldn't really finish the thought.

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Whew! Seriously, getting Lan Fan in character is harder than it looks (for me, anyway). But I've gotten over my writer's block for now, so _hopefully_ the quality will have increased. _Hopefully_.

I'm also hoping that the next one will have more action - it'll have gone wrong if there isn't - and that will also be the end of the Xingese ones! I'm sure you can guess who's going to be killing him.

***Pride*** Is it only me that wants to see Homunculi chapters?


	7. 10: Xingese Part 4: Lin Yao

**BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE PURPLE PEN OF PROGRESS!**

...

...

...

School, why? Just... why? And we also now have a 'literary guide' in our planners. *chokes laughing* Also, we got new house badges and my friend and I were making jokes about how they were bigger than Ed. The homework, though... Stops me updating. At least three pieces a day... *faints*

**An Arm and a Leg**: *Tucker voice* This birthmark is very intriguing. Almost like a button. *poke*

**Digi-fanCapp**: Let us be on our way, Ed. *drags the two along like Hughes*

**Garsario**: It's fine. Also, Pride decided not to kill you for that because you're the first one to speak to him. That does sound pretty cool. Although, I'm not sure Sloth has even bothered to notice it all. He spend 200 years digging a hole, after all.

**Disclaimer: I OWN THE PURPLE PEN OF PROGRESS, NOT FMA.**

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100 Ways to Kill Shou Tucker: Xingese Edition Part 4

10) _Tucker's Chimeras are 'accidentally' set free and run into Lan Fan and Lin[g]. Lin[g] is kinda pissed (to use Greed's terms) and hunts down their creator, aka Tucker._

"Where are these things even coming from?" Lin shouted, cutting another Chimera in half. "Is it because we're Xingese and someone hates us? Or do we just have _really_ bad luck?"

"I don't know, my lord, but it's quite obvious that they're Chimeras. Let's just kill them." Lan Fan circled Lin, guarding him.

**A lot of dead Chimeras later**

"So...hungry..." Lin was on the verge of collapsing, even though he had fought much longer and harder battles before. However, one never did really know what went on in his brain. Princes thought differently to everyone else; not even Lan Fan fully understood him. "Let's find their creator and get out of here! I'm not planning on eating any more shoes any time soon." He realised Lan Fan wouldn't get what he was talking about - she had been at Dr. Knox's recovering from the loss of her arm - and changed the subject slightly. "Maybe down here?" He pointed to a door that was slightly ajar.

Through the door was... you guessed it, Tucker. He was halfway through drawing a transmutation circle (hang on, was that a human transmutation circle? Nobody would care if Truth took him anyway) when Lin and Lan Fan stepped in. "Who are you?"

"I'm Lin Yao of the Yao clan, and this is Lan Fan. I had another friend called Foo, but..." Lin trailed off. Lan Fan, meanwhile, was staring daggers at Tucker.

"You're the one that insulted the young lord!" Now she was _throwing_ daggers. You'd think the Fuhrer would make it illegal for non-military personnel to carry weapons, but no. After all, we need violence for the nationwide transmutation circle, right? Well, instead of murdering the Ishbalans, you could've just asked everyone to kill Tucker. That would work, don't you think? One crest of blood in every compass point could be arranged quite easily.

"Lan Fan, what are you doing?" Lan Fan didn't reply; neither did Tucker, for that matter. Being half dead and everything. To Lin's credit, he did manage to put the pieces together. Then he did the sensible thing: join in the violence like there ain't no rules! Lin's sword would never be the same again... tainted by the blood of Tucker... the same sword that had been passed down the Yao clan for _generations_.

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I feel as if my writing style has changed. That, or I've just become even more sarcastic since school began. Or both. I'm also trying to add more humour in, because it was intended to be a humourous fic in the first place.


	8. 11: Hetalia!

Welcome back! :3 I can't take credit for this; my friend, **The Oldest Nation**, wrote this because I wanted to write a Hetalia one, but I haven't seen much Hetalia and she decided she'd write it for me. ^-^

**Disclaimer: I don't own any fandoms mentioned *cries* I don't even own this chapter.**

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100 Ways to Kill Shou Tucker: Hetalia Edition

11) _England's magic goes wrong and he somehow manages to teleport himself, Austria, Switzerland and Lichtenstein into Amestris._

"Wha-? How the bloody hell did we end up here?!" England was sprawled out on the ground in an alley, along with Austria, Switzerland and Liechtenstein. "Big Brother? Where are we? Is this another country?" Liechtenstein looked around nervously. "I don't know where we are. This is all England's fault! I never wanted to come along in the first place but I somehow got mixed up in all of this." Austria (who was face down on the floor with his butt stuck in the air) stood up and dusted himself off. "Well, I'm going to ask the next person who walks past where the nearest piano shop is. I always express my anger through music." The next person who walked by happened to be Tucker. Austria started to walk after him, followed by Switzerland (who was telling Liechtenstein that he'd try to find a map) and England, who was shouting "You don't run after bloody strangers, git! The country could declare war on us and we don't even know him!" Austria apparently wasn't listening. "Excuse me, but could you show me the way to the nearest piano store, please?"

"Hey you!" This shout came from behind Austria. "Don't talk to that man!" Austria turned around to see an extremely short man and suit of armour running towards him. "Who the bloody hell are you?" England screamed. The small man said "I'm Edward Elric and this is my younger brother Alphonse." He pointed to the armour.

"Big Brother?" This came from Liechtenstein. "How is the big brother so small?"

"WHO YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT- hang on why do you have the same voice as Al?" Switzerland was standing looking very pale. "W-why do you have the same voice as me?" During this commotion, Tucker was trying to slip away unseen. Unfortunately (or should I say fortunately) England spotted him. "Hey, you still haven't answered Austria's question, git."

"I don't trust strangers who ask about pianos."

"Right that's it! For not answering Austria's question I am going to curse you!" A spell book and magic wand appear out of nowhere into England's hands. "You look like a scientist so I'm going to curse you with failed experiments!" Purple lightning blots shoot out of England's wand and they all hit Tucker. Tucker falls over backwards and a fountain of blood spurts out of his chest. "Oops... wrong spell. Oh well. He's better off dead anyway." Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Ed and Al are now engaged in an intense conversation on how they sound exactly the same. "Oh looks like the unicorns are here. Wait Tucker isn't dead is he?" Al looked on the ground. "I wonder who killed him? Brother, someone killed Tucker."

"Huh? How did I miss that?"

"I don't know. All I know is that-"

"UNI!" This shout came from England who was hugging one of the unicorns. "Is this where you have been all this time? I thought I'd lost you!"

"Why is he hugging air?" Austria asked.

"What? You mean you can't see them?"

"See what?"

"Never mind. Al, we should be going."

"Yeah. It was nice meeting you Liechtenstein!"

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You see, it's quite good. I guess.

***Pride* **These countries are strange, to say the least.

...you didn't even meet Italy and Prussia yet, Pride... By the way, the best Hetalia ship is Prussia x Prussia. Who else ships?


	9. 12 and 13: Sparkles and Family Issues

**HAPPY 1-MONTH ANNIVERSARY TO THIS FIC *presents cake to every reviewer***

I'm not dead (yet)! I had the German Exchange all last week; literally no time to write. The same thing applies at the beginning of next July, when I'll be in Germany! Homework, too, is a massive pain.

**Digi-fanCapp: **Hello to you and your sister! ^-^ She's on the right track if she ships it.

**SapphireClaw: **ALCHEMY IS OBVIOUSLY MAGIC. *coughNMAcough* Of course he's a brony!  
><strong>Sonar: <strong>Thanks, I do work hard on these. Like, unhealthily hard. Yes, yes it would. *pushes him*

**Disclaimer: No, I do not own Armstrong's sparkles. I think I enjoy writing these disclaimers just as much as the fic itself...**

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100 Ways to Kill Shou Tucker

12) _Major Armstrong's soft personality causes him to forgive Tucker. Fortunately, his sparkles have other ideas..._

"My dear Tucker, I feel your pain! The stress of keeping your State Alchemist license must have been just too much!" The Major had been exclaiming things like this for over an hour now. Quite frankly, even Tucker was beginning to get annoyed... The shirt had been shed a while back, too, and there are some things the eyes just _cannot_ unsee.

Mustang, meanwhile, was considering asking Major General Armstrong to come and knock some sense into her younger brother - he didn't feel like getting court-martialed for burning him today. He knew Olivier too well to expect that, however. Too bad (although he was beginning to pity Fuery, who, as the youngest of his subordinates, had not been exposed to Armstrong's manliness for this long yet). Major Armstrong was admittedly known for this type of thing; it was more the why than the what that bothered Mustang.

"I'm sure Nina is in a better place now, and better still, your license was never officially revoked!" Somehow, those majestic sparkles had multiplied in the last couple of minutes. Maybe it was the sparkle-multiplication technique that had been passed down the Armstrong family for generations, maybe Alex just made sparkles appear out of nowhere (despite being an alchemist)... or maybe everyone was finally succumbing to the madness of this entire situation.

His sparkles seemed more _realistic_ than usual now. Pointier and more defined. Kind of menacing, if sparkles could ever be menacing.

_Poke._ One sparkle nudged into Tucker, leaving a small section of his arm oddly swollen. Could people be allergic to those things? Nobody exactly wanted to find out, and that question could wait; Tucker was now being swarmed by the definitely-pointy sparkles. He looked like a ball of that pink stuff you put on cupcakes, except less delicious.

When the sparkles retreated, Tucker looked less like a human being and more like a pufferfish... a very dead one.

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13) _Even Truth decides to get involved, and permits Nina to return to life._

Nina had been pestering Big Brother and Little Brother for a while now, mostly about Alexander. It wasn't clear how she'd returned to life, although Ed suspected Truth was in on it. Maybe the Homunculi, the sadists that they were, had struck a bargain with him.

"Big Brother," Ed couldn't be annoyed at her after what she'd been through, even when she called him s-s-small... "Are you sure you don't know where Alexander is? It's cold, and I can't find him..."

"Why don't you go ask your dad? He's over there, in that room with the bars." He managed to restrain himself enough to not add _rotting in hell as he should be_, but he did grit his teeth. If that bastard did anything else to Nina, he swore he would murder him again. And again. And again. Until the remaining 97 lives he had were used up... no, that was not breaking the fourth wall. Ed followed Nina, Al's armour clanging behind him.

"Daddy, where's Alexander? BigBrother and Little Brother can't find him. I miss Alexander..."

"Alexander has gone away, sweetie. He won't be coming back." A few sobbing sounds came from the room; other than that, all was silent.

"Not...coming back? Daddy, why did you send Alexander away?" Her father said nothing. Was he even ashamed? Lunatic that he was, most likely not. "Why, Daddy?"

Nobody questioned Nina when they found her sat on top of Tucker, who did not appear to be breathing.

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Nyeh... Would anyone have any issues with Tucker having a fatal seizure? I had an amazing idea (won't say it, obviously) but if it's going to offend anyone, I won't. These will also probably end up shorter, seeing as they're more drabbles than useful stuff.

I _will_ try and actually update soon!


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